I used the wrong characters.
It has several other flaws: poor pacing, weak tension, shallow dialogue... but fixing these would really not FIX it.
The POV characters I picked were throw-aways. They show up nowhere else in the plotline, and they don't contribute anything to the story. Nothing. Whereas, it would be valuable to use this piece to introduce our Major Players, and give them some motivation and backstory before we jump into the "here-and-now".
I think that I had originally planned to do more with the original characters, but never did. Oh well!
I don't think much, if any, of the original writing is salvageable, but at least I know what's WRONG now.
*starts over with gusto*
