Ellen Million (ellenmillion) wrote,
Ellen Million

The Joke is on Me.

Shooting myself in the foot by mis-coding my practical joke and then wailing about the lack of reaction so I can't even fix it and use it next year made me sulky. So, I read back about the great prank of '06 to cheer myself up: http://ellenmillion.livejournal.com/2006/04/01/

And... it struck me as rather ironic. Look at how optimistic I am, just two years ago. I'm talking about incorporating, and how soon the drop-shipping storefronts will be available and how awesome they will be. I had just paid for my very own personal site - something I'd never had before.

When I posted that April fool's joke, the idea of closing EMG was absurd. Ridiculous to humorous proportions.

Now? Not such a long shot. The printshop/storefronts never got off the ground. I still have no assistant. I decided not to incorporate and take out a big loan. My personal site could be considered a bust. I got myself a day job and feel guilty that I can't do better by my artists.

Don't get me wrong: I'm not unhappy with any of the choices I've made. Let's be frank: the economy is not in a good place. Having another loan at this point would be unwise. Incorporating would mean more panic right now over taxes. I like my job and like, even more, the security that paycheck brings. In a few years, we'll have the house paid off and if I want, that art career can be as feast and famine as it pleases. It's good to get out of the house and interact with real people more.

And I'm not feeling defeatist - all that potential is still here. Some of the artists and their submissions are really exciting and they still seem to have trust and faith in me. That's got to be worth something. EMG-Zine continues to rock my socks. Portrait Adoption is still the best idea any gamer artist ever had. (She says humbly.)

But it's not where I thought I'd be, two years ago. I thought I'd have already run with that potential, that I'd have hit that breakthrough point, that I'd be... I dunno. More.

Maybe that breakthrough will never actually come. Maybe it will always be this hard, the progress this slow.

Maybe I'm turning into a reluctant cynic as the years pass.

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