I will be bitter and feel guilty, but I'm somehow not shocked.
But what really brought me to a halt... I was thinking the other day about Kaz plots and Resla, and I caught myself thinking: "And that will neatly pull together all of her storylines and wrap everything up." And it wasn't just that, but that I was genuinely thinking of putting her away... like a toy I've grown out of. Finalizing all of her stories and walking away.
It made me so... sad.
I adore Resla. Resla was one of my first fanfiction characters. (No, I don't count my gawdawful Belgariad story as fanfiction. That was Evil We Don't Speak of... the kind of stuff that makes me painfully glad I didn't have Internet at that age.) She grew out of all the people I knew and admired, and was all the strength and centered peace I wanted to have. And I liked her SO much better before I thought I had to throw drama and romance at her to have something to write about. Seriously - she was a 'nothing' character who had a lot to offer, and I sometimes feel like I mucked her up. I'm still toying with more future angst - there was the idea of killing off her family in a shared future plot, and the firelizard plague was going to take at least one of her firelizards. But... I'm sort of tired of torturing her. I honestly want to give her a little peace and closure, not throw any more at her! It's not that I feel so bad for her, just that I feel like it's getting a little... fanfiction-y. More angst than realism, anymore, and I really don't want her to lose any more of that sweetness and kindness that has been so much of her personality - and it wouldn't really be realistic for her to maintain that endlessly, and I don't like how she writes when I get an angsty need to instill plot for the sake of plot to write about.
Eh. Just thoughts. Maybe I'll pursue the story I was thinking about that ties stuff up and see where it goes. I'm not killing her off or anything, so it's not like Final Acts, just... it had a certain note of closure and full circle that made me stop and think.
I'm having a dickens of a time writing anything for River Twine. I mean seriously, brain blocks. I'm finding myself far more fascinated by the coding of the site and gritty setting bits and details than I am in the stories or the characters. Just, not getting excited. I'm not sure why - certainly the group is a massively talented bunch with just scads of potential and it ought to be really exciting to be involved in it, but... it's like putting on clothing that's not quite dry. It's not bad, and it's not really uncomfortable right away, but it's sort of nigglingly wrong until it actually gets all the way dry.
I'm trying to figure out what I need to do to metaphorically get out of my clothes and throw them back into the dryer for a few more minutes without having to stand around naked in the laundrymat.
Probably, that metaphor didn't need to go that far.\
I'm going to go figure out where to go next on my nano story, because I am, BY GOD, going to at least make the halfway point, and if my current level of awakeness holds, I may even have something respectable to report.
But don't hold your breath. I'm feeling in general pretty rargh awful about my writing, so I'm not sure this is the best mood to write in. It may also indicate that I have more crap to get out of my system, and hey, an arbitrary wordcount sure can take care of that.
Maybe I'll write about the Northerners coming to the capital city, or flesh out that battle scene I'd roughed out three years ago. Or... bah, just start writing.