Ellen Million (ellenmillion) wrote,
Ellen Million

Shut up, brain...

Been thinking a lot about leadership.

Not new thoughts - thoughts leftover from last year, and even the year before that, and waaaay back to SRH. Lots of thoughts... about how we want to follow and emulate people that are successful, and how bitter and hard it is to discover that people we admire aren't all that we've built them up to be in our heads. It's even weirder to discover yourself in a position of leadership, and to learn so much about it from the other angle, and to fear it - and still want it - and sometimes hate it.

It's more work than most people want, I think. It's more drudgery than glamour, and requires more sacrifice than vision.

It's dirty, and unpleasant, and somedays, the desire to throw up my hands and say 'you deal' is unbearable.

It can be rewarding. I usually feel pretty rewarded. But, being me, I also look at the rewards with critical eyes and wonder if I've earned them.

How much of my image is glitz and pretties? How much of it genuine? I've watched people who are convinced that they are kind and generous and born leaders, and wondered how they can fail to see that they aren't any of those things. (And wondered more at the people who can't see past facades of the former.) Self deception is a powerful thing, and doubt is one of my strongest inner beasts.

Doubt. Yeah.

Several people have mentioned to be lately - eerie, unconnected echoes of each other - that the things I touch turn gold.

It's such a pretty thought. Flattering, heart-warming. Makes me blush, and smile, and... then doubt.

Ah geez - I was going somewhere with these thoughts (maybe), but I gotta go get stuff done. My journaling time is up!

Books and ads and booths and art oh, my...

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