Ellen Million (ellenmillion) wrote,
Ellen Million

Plugging along. (peptalk for myself...)

I needed a peptalk. So I gave myself one.

I am not a failure.

Having finally come to the grips with the fact that relying on other people to have the same priorities as I do will bite me in the ass every time, I am rebuilding my site. Myself, with Greymatter, because I can't make heads or tails of this mySQL stuff, Jennie cannot get to it, and I have already lost months of sales. I'm going to stick with just a few images per artist, since the software *cannot* handle the load I was putting on it. Then, at least EMG Lite will be plugging along, instead of only broken ugliness. Then, when it actually happens, the new site will go up in its own leisurely fashion. I just can't wait on it anymore.

I am not a failure.

We're creeping up on five months being self-employeed. Ya know what I have to show for it? Record low sales, thanks largely to the webpage problems. Broken printer, meaning no (fulfilled) sales again for at least a few weeks. Nearly empty EMG bank account. Less than $500 in commissions and personal sales. A flop of a coloring book that I really had great hopes for (no one's ordered a single copy...). An incomplete novel. Portrait Adoption, thank heavens, plugs gleefully along, growing in leaps and jumps... I'm selling several portraits a week right now. Though I won't be able to actually fulfill any of the standard adoption orders at the moment...

I am not a failure.

I have to keep telling myself that, see, because I'm a mathematical sort of person, and the numbers say: GIVE IT UP NOW. If I were superstitious, I'd be sure that all the signs were against me and I'd be hung in horseshoes and stinky herbs by now, shaking in a corner, waiting for the other shoe to drop. If I were religious, I'd think God hated me and wanted me to have a day job. Fortunately, I'm only stubborn as hell and believe wholeheartedly in coincidence and bad luck, and still have faith that it will turn around eventually.

I am NOT a failure.

True, EMG Lite is fighting me every step of the way, and EMG New is completely stalled out, and my printer is broken, and it sure FEELS like I'm a failure, but I'm not, and crying on my tablet is probably bad for it and won't get any of my problems FIXED.

I'm not a failure. I'm not going to sit here and let myself think that I am. I am going to go get another cup of tea, color on Sundima for a while (due today!) and tackle the webpage again after lunch. I think I'll even paint for a while, and I'm NOT going to go into town and stare into my empty mailbox again wondering where Wish3 is. I have found the place I will order my printer from ($184 in shipping... *sigh*), and am entering my credit card info now, so at least I'm MOVING in the right direction, even if it's on sheer faith.

I can do this. I CAN. I am not a failure. I'm NOT. I just have to push forward, make smart choices, roll with the punches and NOT DWELL.

I must pursue emotional stamina. In the wise words of Attila the Hun: Each succeedingly higher level of leadership places increasing demands on the emotions of chieftains. We must ensure that our leaders at every level have the stamina to recover rapidly from disappointment - to bounce back from discouragement, to carry out the responsibilities of their office without becoming distorted in their views - without losing clear perspective, as well as the emotional strength to persist in the face of seemingly difficult circumstances.

I've got people depending on me - I have to put aside my terror and despair and do the things that are best for all of us without allowing myself to wallow in fear.

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