Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Edit: Okay, it's a carriage glide rod failure... bushing fell out of the carriage head (so I think I still get my thirty bucks...). I've returned to my grease-monkey roots and took the damn thing apart - I'm going to need some superglue and some teflon based lubricant, some alcohol (not for drinking, though frankly, I could USE a drink about now...) and some q-tips. *rolls up sleeves* May still be a lost cause - did some research, and this isn't always recoverable. Sometimes, though...
Did I mention that I had THINGS TO DO TODAY?!