Ellen Million (ellenmillion) wrote,
Ellen Million


I'm not prone to panic attacks. They don't generally do a lot of good, and I'm in the habit of having too much to do to spend a lot of time hyperventilating.

Five in the morning, however, is a different story.

I woke up gradually, but made the immediate mistake of thinking about closing EMG for Christmas. This has bothered me enormously since we first got our plane tickets. We spent three hours on the phone trying to arrange to leave a few days before or after Christmas so we could meet Jake's mother and sister (who already had tickets) in Grenada. Three hours of 'well, let's try through Chicago' and 'how about routing through Europe?' and 'maybe if we stay overnight in Timbuktu,' and we couldn't get closer to Christmas than the 13th on the early side, or the 7th of January on the late side (which wouldn't have allowed us to do more than pass the relatives at the airport).

So I've laboriously posted 'EMG will be closed!' all over the pages, a few weeks in advance. (Wrongly, I might add, before I double-checked my tickets... I will be closed the 12 Dec - 12 January, though I will be back sooner than that and catching up. I had posted the 15th - 15th before I thought to check, and this was part of my depth-of-the-morning angst)

For about an hour, I lay awake, my brain gibbering at me non-stop.

OMG, the business will fail while I'm away. No one's going to notice the away warning. People are going to order the day I leave and then get irate when they don't get their order by Christmas. I have 170 emails to answer and I won't get to all of them before I leave! I'm going to come back to an inbox full of hate mail! My one shot at fame and fortune will come while I'm away! All my artists are going to quit in a huff because I probably won't manage to finish all the web updates! Someone's going to hack my site while I'm gone and put up porn! There will be revolts in the street! My house will burn down! All my EMG files will get corrupted! My printer will spontaneously melt! Everything's going to fail miserably! I'll never make it without a day job! I suck! Doom doom DOOM!!!

There are drawbacks to being creative, namely that an unoccupied brain will go on and ON without some restraints. Mine went on for about an hour before I was able to distract it with fanfiction smut ideas and make it go to sleep.

Woke again feeling all tired out and slightly grumpy when the alarm went off. Had great ideas for that fanfiction smut, at least. Doom level is low, but the tired-out, dear-heavens-what-AM-I-doing feeling lingers.

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