Ellen Million (ellenmillion) wrote,
Ellen Million
ellenmillion

  • Mood:

On friendship and endings.

I don't make friends so easily.

I get along with people easily, and people like me easily, and I easily add people to my like and admire list and could be friends if I let them... but people I would count as close friends? Not so many.

It's my own fault; my unwillingness to expose myself for hurt, my selfish desire for privacy and distance, my insecurity and conviction that no one really wants to know who I am with any more depth.

I'm made particularly aware of this today, as Matt and Nicki are leaving for Oregon.

I'm going to miss them. Terribly.

I'll be grateful to have my house back to myself, but I have a feeling it's going to echo, like it did when Jennie left, and I'm going to mope for a few days and wonder why I can't appreciate the emptiness I longed for.

*sigh*

My back is aching and I somehow agreed to stay at mom and dad's until 9 tonight so Becca can go to bible study. The kids will be asleep, and I can get lots of EMG done, but I just want to... eat ice cream with someone close. Go for a walk in the woods with a friend.

Isn't it funny, longing for friendship when it's leaving, longing for privacy when friendship is available...
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