Ellen Million (ellenmillion) wrote,
Ellen Million
ellenmillion

Revenge of the Mammoth (with pictures)

A few weeks ago now, after sleeping through the husbands departure, monsterus minimus and I woke to find this outside the nursery door:



Texts ensued:

Me: MAMMOTH BACK WITH REINFORCEMENTS STOP NEGOTIATED TEMPORARY TRUCE FOR PROCUREMENT OF NOURISHMENT STOP FEAR TRUCE TEMPORARY AND BRACING FOR FUTURE HOSTILITIES STOP PLEASE ADVISE ON BATTLE STRATEGY END

Then I changed a diaper and added: PROJECT GUPPY HAS SUCCESSFULLY MANUFACTURED BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS STOP AWAITING AUTHORIZATION TO DEPLOY END

Jake: HOME FLEET OCCUPIED STOP RESCUE DELAYED UNTIL AFTER MONSOON STOP DEPLOYMENT AUTHORIZED END

I wrote back: DEPLOYMENT SUCCESSFUL STOP ENEMY DEMORALIZED STOP EXPECT PARADE ON RETURN END



Jake: QUEEN CONSIDERING VICTORIA CROSS STOP YOU ARE ORDERED TO FIND MAMMOTH LAIR END

At that point, I had a second diaper to change, and did not quite catch the poop deployment, necessitating a load of laundry. I threw in Jake's sheets to fill up the load - and figured that counted as mammoth lair...

Me: BIOLOGICAL WEAPON HAS LOST CONTAINMENT STOP MAMMOTH LAIR NOW IN WASHER WITH FALLOUT END

Jake: VICTORIA CROSS WITHDRAWN STOP DO NOT WASH THE ENEMY END

It was only later when talking in person that we realized this conversation was probably one good keyword from being everything the DHS snoops are looking for... and chuckled to think of them not noticing the exchange directly before this, which was:

Me: Baby girl has decided that no nap needs to be longer than 15 minutes, and also, that the world needs more poo.

Jake: Hard to sleep when you have all that poo to make.

I promise, Mr. Homeland Security, that I am only making light of the copious unpleasant mom duty of diaper changing, not planning anything dangerous. I haven't got the extra energy to plan any terrorist activity these days. Ask me later.
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